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Feb 22, 2013
02/13
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access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen] >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. [cheers and applause] folks, thank you so much. [cheers and applause] ladies and gentlemen, you know if you watch this show, if you read the news, if you know what is going on in america there's no denying that barack obama has been a failed president. [laughter] as terrible as president obama has been, his cabinet appointments have been worse. i mean, transportation secretary ray lahood? why? because his name's got a car part in it? that's a low standard. [ laughter ] what is next? secretary of the treasury penny mcnickel? now he wants the new defense secretary to be former republican senator chuck hagel. thankfully, today 15 republican senators demanded the withdrawal of hagel's nomination and it's no wonder. senate republicans have found all sorts of shady associations in hagel's past. for instance, he was once a senate republican. [laughter] and now, ac
access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen] >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. [cheers and applause] folks, thank you so much. [cheers and applause] ladies and gentlemen, you know if you watch this show, if you read the news, if you know what is going on in america there's no denying that barack obama has been a failed president....
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Feb 26, 2013
02/13
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captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight, a new scandal rocks the vatican. the holy water contains traces of horse meat. [ laughter ] then, a new way to reduce the number of guns. step one: get a gun. and my guest simon garfield has a new book about maps changing our view of the world. well, apple maps certainly took me to places i never imagined. southcuban president raul castrs he will retire in five years. don't believe him, coman in. this is "the colbert report". captioning sponsored by comedy central ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting see stephen] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. good to have you with us. thank you. in here, out there, i want to say hello to all my friends in the studio tonight and some old friends watching from home. [cheers and applause] [laughter] folks -- if you watch this show, and we're on an honor's system here, i know there's one thing i'm don't -- i don't like about hollywood awarder sermon yours. it's whe
captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight, a new scandal rocks the vatican. the holy water contains traces of horse meat. [ laughter ] then, a new way to reduce the number of guns. step one: get a gun. and my guest simon garfield has a new book about maps changing our view of the world. well, apple maps certainly took me to places i never imagined. southcuban president raul castrs he will retire in five years. don't...
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Feb 14, 2013
02/13
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captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org [cheers and applause] >> jon: buy this book. buy. this that's our show. here it is your moment o captioning sponsored by comedy central ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: thank you. [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting see it -- stephen] [cheers and applause] yes! [cheers and applause] welcome. welcome to the report. good to have you with us. thank you so much. thank you, friends. [cheers and applause] folks, ladies and gentlemen, with an army like you at my back, i'm ready to go to battle any day of the week. [cheers and applause] and it's time to march again because there's no getting around it, folks we've got to talk about it. last night's state of the union address. big whup-iditdo. what type of narcissistic jerk expects people to tune in to hear a room full of people mindlessly cheer him. [cheers and applause] it is pathetic. [ laughter ] who here smokes pot? [cheers and applause] now, folks, i don't know why i subject myself to last night's so
captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org [cheers and applause] >> jon: buy this book. buy. this that's our show. here it is your moment o captioning sponsored by comedy central ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: thank you. [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting see it -- stephen] [cheers and applause] yes! [cheers and applause] welcome. welcome to the report. good to have you...
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Feb 12, 2013
02/13
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access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. good to see you. welcome to the show. [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting see it ben] [crowd chanting stephen] thank you so much. thank you so much. good to have you with us. [cheers and applause] folks, nation, everybody in this country knows america is at cyber war. if you don't know that then you obviously have never seen the movie johnny knew monic or given your am ex-number toll volume/35. where the hell are the max girth herbal settlements. you promised must satisfy in the sex time they wants so bad in all happy spots lax laugh the hackers have struck again. >> a hacker broke into the personal e-mail accounts of members of bush family. >> the hacker known about it name gooseifer gained access to names, addresses and photos. >> stephen: that's right. goosifer. police have already release aid sketch of criminal. [laughter] that's the guy. president bush is now say private citizen, please. some hac
access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. good to see you. welcome to the show. [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting see it ben] [crowd chanting stephen] thank you so much. thank you so much. good to have you with us. [cheers and applause] folks, nation, everybody in this country knows america is at cyber war. if you don't know that...
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Feb 27, 2013
02/13
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>> oh, boy he's asking me if i was captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh [eagle caw] >> stephen: tonight, big changes for texas. their 10-gallon hats are now 38-liters. [laughter] then, can our drone program win the war on terror? yes, if you go up, up, down down, b, a, b, a, select. [laughter] and my guest, physicist michio kaku believes an asteroid could destroy the earth. global warming, solved. [laughter] ice land is considering a ban on internet porn. now there's nothing to do in iceland. [ laughter ] this is the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) [cheers and applause] welcome to the report, everybody. thank you so much for joining us. [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting "stephen!"] thank you, ladies and gentlemen, please sit down. [cheers and applause] welcome to the show, everybody. thank you for joining us. [cheers and applause] thank you, everyone in here welcome to the program. dominus vobiscum. folks, as the cardinal of cable, i'm giving you nave to narthex coverage of
>> oh, boy he's asking me if i was captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh [eagle caw] >> stephen: tonight, big changes for texas. their 10-gallon hats are now 38-liters. [laughter] then, can our drone program win the war on terror? yes, if you go up, up, down down, b, a, b, a, select. [laughter] and my guest, physicist michio kaku believes an asteroid could destroy the earth. global warming, solved. [laughter] ice land is considering a ban on...
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Feb 20, 2013
02/13
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he virtually high captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org . ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [eagle caw] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. [cheers and applause] welcome to the report. [crowd chanting "stephen!"] [cheers and applause] thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. ladies and gentlemen, i think that this world would be a much better place if i could take that kind of energy, put it in a paper bag and huff it. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] hope you had a good presidents' day weekend. i took an all-expense paid trip to crap-my-pants-istan because last friday this happened. >> a ten ton meteor racing at 33,000 miles per hour through the atmosphere streekd over a russian city 900 miles of east of moscow before exploding of blinding bright light said to have the power of an atomic bomb. >> its reminded me of action movies like-term nateor 4 this witness said. >> stephen: yes, this fireball was just like "terminator 4 " except people saw it. [
he virtually high captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org . ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [eagle caw] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. [cheers and applause] welcome to the report. [crowd chanting "stephen!"] [cheers and applause] thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. ladies and gentlemen, i think that this world would...
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>> jon: captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org that's our show. join us tomorrow at 11:00. here it is your moment zen. >> they weren't initially rivals. that developed later on and -- i wasn't my fight, you know. i don't know, i just think, i think the tupac's lyrics were [eagle caw] >> stephen: tonight, a surprising candidate for congress. is it you? if you're not sure, you probably shouldn't run. [laughter] then, should america get rid of the penny? or should they leave them in america's couch cushions. [laughter] and my guest lawrence wright has written a new book on scientology. after the interview, don't forget to take our free stress test. [laughter] home depot is going to hire 80,000 new workers for the spring. you know where they can find some cheap labor? in their parking lot. [laughter] this is "the colbert report." ["the colbert report" theme music playing] captioning sponsored by comedy central [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting "stephen!"] [cheers and applause] thank you very much. welcome to the broadcast, everybo
>> jon: captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org that's our show. join us tomorrow at 11:00. here it is your moment zen. >> they weren't initially rivals. that developed later on and -- i wasn't my fight, you know. i don't know, i just think, i think the tupac's lyrics were [eagle caw] >> stephen: tonight, a surprising candidate for congress. is it you? if you're not sure, you probably shouldn't run. [laughter] then, should...
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captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> jon: that's our show. here it is your moment of zen. >> goats will be here through saturday and they are vep friendly. from the manatee county fair linda carson. abc 7. would you not eat my ["the colbert report" theme music playing] ["the colbert report" theme music playing] captioning sponsored by comedy central [eagle caw] [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen brac brac] >> stephen: thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. you are too kind. [cheers and applause] welcome to the broadcast. thank you so much. please -- [cheers and applause] thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you in here, out there, ladies and gentlemen, thank you for joining us. phone lines are open. [ laughter ] nation, we are just days away from super bowl sunday. and i couldn't be more pumped. it's like football christmas, if christmas were more commercialized. [ laughter ] and i love everything about football-- the sweet science, the pick and roll, from downtown, you sunk my battleship! yahtzee! [ laughter
captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> jon: that's our show. here it is your moment of zen. >> goats will be here through saturday and they are vep friendly. from the manatee county fair linda carson. abc 7. would you not eat my ["the colbert report" theme music playing] ["the colbert report" theme music playing] captioning sponsored by comedy central [eagle caw] [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting...
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come on, captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org [eagle caw] >> stephen: tonight, a new way donate to charity. change your name to anonymous so people think you're giving all the time. [laughter] then, i honor an unlikely hero. did you know josef stalin used to carpool? [laughter] and my guest is oscar-winning actress julie andrews. i'll ask if the hills are still alive after all that fracking. [laughter] a math professor has discovered a new 17-million digit prime number. his other discovery: he's very lonely. [laughter] this is "the colbert report." ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers and applause] thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much for joining us. [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting "stephen!"] [cheers and applause] thank you so much. [cheers and applause] welcome to the show. i especially -- i especially want to welcome those ten men down in the dungeon serving their master. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] just get out of there, guys. [ laughter ] welcome to tonight's kinescope. thank you for
come on, captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org [eagle caw] >> stephen: tonight, a new way donate to charity. change your name to anonymous so people think you're giving all the time. [laughter] then, i honor an unlikely hero. did you know josef stalin used to carpool? [laughter] and my guest is oscar-winning actress julie andrews. i'll ask if the hills are still alive after all that fracking. [laughter] a math professor has...
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Feb 21, 2013
02/13
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captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org and applause] >> jon: that's our show. join us tomorrow at 11:00. here it is your moment of zen. >> if you want to protect yourself get a double barrel shotgun. put it and fire two blasts outside the house. i promise you who is coming in is not -- you don't need an ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers an captioning sponsored by comedy central ( cheers and applause ) [crowd chanting stephen] >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. good to have you with us. please, nation, sit down. as an american i don't like to talk about other countries that are not us. with their crazy names -- "notamerica-stan." [laughter] but tonight, every single story i will be reporting on comes from another country. i'm not happy about it either. blame the u.n. [laughter] first up, a story that is rocking theworld of meat. >> the united kingdom's meat industry is in disarray after horse meat was discovered in products intended for humans. >> food giant nestle suspending some of its deliveries after trac
captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org and applause] >> jon: that's our show. join us tomorrow at 11:00. here it is your moment of zen. >> if you want to protect yourself get a double barrel shotgun. put it and fire two blasts outside the house. i promise you who is coming in is not -- you don't need an ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers an captioning sponsored by comedy central ( cheers and applause )...